Missing my baby

Last night I wasn't at home.

I had travelled 200 miles to go to a meeting

I had waved goodbye to Little Owl early in the morning

She thought I was just going to work as usual

She didn't know I wouldn't be home that night

Or the next day


Not til late

I had tried to tell her but at 22 months I'm not sure she understood

That Dada would be putting her to bed that night

I didn't know what I felt as I drove to work.

A little choked, a little teary, a little overwhelmed...

I got to work and was immediately busy

with teachers off sick and others on courses my day was full.

I was checking my phone at break and lunch - asking for photos, I was missing my baby already and I hadn't gone anywhere yet!

After school I drove, my challenge was to get on the M25 before the traffic built up too much

But this meant I was driving west, away from my baby.

A tightness in my chest, an anxious feeling...

all of which I coped with by eating.

I wasn't hungry but I could feel my anxious hand keep dipping into the bag of sweets...

Soon there was none left

This anxious feeling stayed until I heard that Little Owl was fast asleep in bed

I realised then that my anxiety was that she would get upset going to bed

and I wouldn't be there for her

As her mother, I should be there.

Always.